1.0 — “Much Has Been Said (and done)”

He looked with such happiness, seeing the smile of the one he called his mother.The pain he was in seemed not to matter at the sight of the simple reason of her happiness. She was playing badminton with her friend. Her life filled with problems didn’t seem to matter ad the spark of her eyes eep on attracting the shuttlecock. He thought for a moment, why he’d seldom felt that way before. The past few weeks have been a complete trainwreck, and the onset of the days only prove that things are getting worse.

The new year didn’t prove to be much of a good start, the only thing worth celebrating is his acceptance into four of his preferred Philippine colleges. He’d come to appreciate the simple beauties in life, and started dwelling in the good of all things, but something kept him from being truly happy.

He was known to have priorities, misunderstood by most. All that he cared for at times, was this particular fellow. He’d promised himself to stop thinking less about him. But his heart deceived what his mind perceived. The more he tried to ease off, the more he had to let go. The usual conflict would end up with: “This is my life.” He would be speechless and would be left in a daze. It always seemed that what he wanted was bad for everybody else. The pain of trying to accept that this was the truth. His fellow had his preferences, and it seemed to him that he had no place in those “preferences.” He might’ve thought wrong, but as is his nature, all he  could do was to brace himself for the worse.

The spark that ignited the sadness into anger, was a line coming from a much cherished colleague. “Stay out of it, we already have plans.” It was his colleague’s day, something he wanted to be special. He felt sore and numb, annoyed and frustrated. He forced again, a smile that told everyone that he was okay. The anger and hurt oozed down the sides, but he could do nothing. All that mattered, i guess was for everyone else to be happy. He had promised to himself to not hamper how everyone felt. This made him desire a break from reality, for him to be blinded, a freedom of sorts.

Through the course of the days, human nature took place. Frustration became anger, and anger was diffused. He did not know how, and did not know why, but he would look at those people as he raised his eye. He felt all bad, but what cold be done? He had to show that he too, did feel. He used to mope down, turn away and cry, but now his anger runs deep, rooted in fire. No one knew about this, how his anger would feel, but he kept holding off, blowing off some steam.

Weeks rolled by, and his work fell. On top of the other, it’s a worker’s hell. All he could do was to follow those, who had too much to do, apparently, by themselves. His complains withered through the echoing halls, he called for help, and almost blew it all. A part was now done, and more to come, only to find out, it was the last he would’ve done. The fellow who was cared for, by far too much, ended up disappointing him with a sorry touch.

The past few weeks, while tension was mounting, the hurt was building, and the words were climbing. He was afraid he did not care, at least only a handful did, it went on too much, he was nearing the end. This week he started rupturing. The decent wall he’d built to keep everything in, fell into shambles, into rocky pieces.

All he wanted at first was to spend time, with the one whom he cherished, with not reason why.

He felt odd that the pretense, he’d lay on out, may have caused this serious doubt.

He fell too hard, his frustration’s mounting, I want to say what’s on my mind, but I still am holding. He felt injusticed, as though he was ignored, or shut-out of that something, something he cared much for. His fellow did not beckon, and didn’t even lean back. He never noticed how he had been slowly turning his back.

It might just be a phase, but at the moment’s a riddle. He wants to disappear, to see not the incomplete riddle. For what he already saw, the apparent ignorance of his begrudged existence, he knew for a fact that there was too much going on. He chose to ignore, the past and the present, only in hopes of making his fellow realize what he’s been doing.

With patience running thin, and time drawing to a close, all he could do is to wish that he be remembered. At least once in a blue moon, there’d be time for him, that he wouldn’t have to fight for it, or openly want it. He wanted his fellow to want it, too.

He’s afraid that the remedy will come too late, as though he had found a more personal built. A colleague once too often, already taken for granted, has taken the stage to win his prize of importance. He still, though, fears, that he would completely forget, the fellow he had once, imparted all wit.

When will it happen, he does not know when, but all that matters is what lies ahead.

He hopes for the better not because he wants too, but because he needs to.

That smile form his mother, disappeared, leaving no trace. His eyes grew weary of his impeding condition. He felt no good, his body was in decline, as he lay back down, all the hurt on the line.

Sleep was becoming his anti-drug.

Apathy came as a cherished companion.

He had never written such a feat before…

You Don’t Know Who I Can Become.

Rastine Mackie Dorado Mercado is officially not Rastine Mackie Dorado Mercado anymore.

I know. It sounds so weird, but over the coupling months, and judging by the amount of lies people are throwing at me, and my unexpected reaction of apathy. I guess i’ve gone a long way.

Mr. Ass, i hope you got what you wished for! Furcking Ass. Grr.

It annoys me how. These lies. These things.
This fake-ness.

Im afraid i got numb off of it.

This is why i want to go to college already. so badly.
Maybe it’s a lapse.
Maybe it’s not.
I really don’t know.

I wanna meet new people,
experience new things,
make new friends,
handle my own cash,
i hate faking.
drives me nuts.

what i hate more is that im already feeling like crap,
then people know about it
and still do something to make me feel worse.

THANKS.

sorry for being such an ass on Christmas eve.
i shouldn’t have read something.
GRR.
GRR.

i am annoyed.

anyway….
I’m angry.
I guess that’s it for today.
Boo for my Christmas eve,

Thanks for ruining it
AS ALWAYS.

Fruck.

My Christmas Wishlist. :)

My Christmas Wishlist. 21:25

I want to remind myselves of the goals i have for this Christmas. haha: :)

• 1) capital for my own enterprise. (i’ve been investing in others and the returns aren’t that good…)
• 2) be able to think of personalized gifts for friends or family (something they’ll really rmember. hardest so far.)
• 3) PEACE WITH EVERYONE. (kind of hard to be happy when you’re in a conflict)
• 4) More money for my new phone. (i’ve been saving for an iPhone… heeelp. haha :) )
• 5) More time with my family and friends. (extra work has been killing me.)
• 6) I want to finish a manuscript. really. i mean it’s been the longest time i’ve been trying to find the perfect draft.
• 7) FOR US TO BE ABLE TO FINISH THE YEARBOOK. gosh.
• 8) To get into Ateneo Management Eng. (’nuff said.)
• 9) To be happy mostly.
• 10) To not be that old dramatic person. (haha.)

hahaha.
So, anyone want to help me out? :) haha.

i’m stuck in a backward motion, hoping in hopes that will never come true.

you have to understand that i gave you, and still have the greatest hope i’ve ever had. i’ve had everything enduring in you, so please don’t… don’t make me regret that.

here i am again, stuck in that feeling again.

how come i can never look at you without being frustrated?

all i know is that i won’t judge you for your pretentions, but i think i can’t live with someone who has something like that towards me.

._.

i really am tired. im so near breaking down and giving up.

so i really dont know.

still.

._.

im so confused at where we’re standing on.

i’m hanging off the edge of a cliff, and your foot is on my hand. ._.

dead stars.

look at the sky and what do you see?

a sprinkle of light against an abyssal symmetry.

a studded sheath of the darkest gray

lighted by the innocence of the stars.

and from the start, everything seems clear

the bright draperies amazingly still and clean

across the foyer of the deepest of blue

a shadow over the grove of the past.

for what do we see? and what is there?

the truth unfolds, victims of lies,

for no one ever had the brevity,

to say that dead stars are all they see…

a twisted world of truth and lies.

it was eleanor roosevelt who said that no one could make you feel inferior without your consent… most of the time, it’s not anybody else’s fault but in the end, it’s always yourself that makes you feel the most down.

we are capable of such extreme things. we are all unstable in some way. in one minute, once could choose to die, in another, one could choose to take another else’s life… in a half a minute, an apology could be made that would change how the lives of others would run… in a second, that last hug will be what we would carry on for tens of years before seeing each other again. Human beings are capable of so much, that everything just seems so unfathomable…

last friday, i was in greenbelt three with friends, and i just had to take the time to separate a bit, because i had to think… about where this would go, and how this would end. You know? it’s kind of anticlimactic that it happens, but then… when you’re too happy about something, you start to think — what if that happiness was taken away from you? or in some cases… what if you took yourself away from that happiness, what would happen? would those people even matter? would YOU even matter?

it’s the distress that makes us all equally VULNERABLE. it’s just that some people are better in hiding what insecurities they have… in my case, i’m too vulnerable — i give emphasis on things too much.

this past week has been confusing, at the very least. on one hand, I’m already well from my sickness, but on the other, i think my relationships are on the rocks — it may be my fault or someone else’s. idk.

sometimes, i regret things that aren’t supposed to be regretted… idk…

most of the time, i just have to keep reminding myself that i can do this, and that everything will be alright, and the people that matter to me now will matter to me forever. :)

im so glad that everything seems to be shaping up. the more i let go of my insecurities, the happier i am.

come to think of it… it’s always so admirable about someone who trusts in someone so much that they’re truly confident on what they mean to the person.right?

well now, i hafta sleep. long day tomorrow, it’s the start of my jam-packed week.

im so… weird.

as usual. haha :P

to cyrus zalamea and eduardo gaspar, you guys rock. benjamin marinas, thanks. amanda palileo, thanks for a great day… ST, still, a million thanks.and dani, for trying to turn my frown upside-down, always. racela abundo for everything.

these people are priceless to me, and I will remember, treasure them the rest of my life.

they’re who I am.

they’re all i’ve got.

i guess that’s the wrap-up. :)

believe in the best.

Luna Lovegood said “the things we lose have a way of getting back to us, just not in the way we expect it to be…”

don’t be afraid to let go. sometimes, it’s the only way to move on, but it’ll come back, one way or another.

it can even help you figure out who those people are that give as much importance to what you had as how you cherished it.

be happy.

not because you have to, but because you want to. :)

it’s a life-changing experience.

i got sick the other day. :))

FINALLY!

but i had to suffer heart palpitations due to stress and anxiety. passed out, got infected with the flu, sore throat, dry cough and colds. owell.

BUT it comes with great cost. i have tons of things to make-up for. and i know it’s a lot, but i just have to use what i have, right? haha. la salle pa is tomorrow, owell owell. :))

anyway. yesterday, i came to an understanding with myself, and I hope everything’s gonna be better from here… hopefully.

you have to take control of your own life.

NO ONE ELSE would care. (with the exception of a certain someone ***)

.

thanks to:

edu gaspar for always checking up on me. man. appreciate it lots, that’s what i needed throughout this whole thing.

benj for not being too much of a stress. :))

and

that’s it?

. . .

i’ll explain something,

maybe not now.

or maybe, never.

idk.

the day of yester-hour.

MONDAY killer day. English LT in the morning, still badtrip with my folks. gahd.

We were in the theatre most of the day, and i threw another fit. I’m jsut so frustrated with myself how i’m being such an impulsive dramatist all the time. Anyway, cyrus and I talked things over and it turns out that there’s more to him than meets the eye. Maybe, all of this is brought about by my assumption that i’m the only one experiencing this… who knew that a person whom i’ve been totally acting like an ass on is experiencing the same thing?

Realization? Life isn’t always fair, but that’s just the same for everyone. You will never know how much your principles change when you see things at a different light. :)

Aftermath? What he told me, made me realize how much i’ve been sitting down on things, thinking that they’re like hell and just living with that fact, dramatizing, hoping to garner sympathy — when I can actually do something to stop it. It’s that fact that we sit down and let things run its course that makes life all the more complicated — we didn’t take control of it when we had to.

Effect? I talked to my folks about it and we’ve reconciled. My mom gave me an hour lecture on the proper way to be, and asked my dad if we could go out this saturday. WHICH :)) led to this conversation.

me: dad. let’s do laser tag.

dad: ano yun?

me: its like paintball na laser.

dad: ano nga yun?

me: sige dad, movie na lang tayo. :))

laughtrip maaan. haha. he even called me up and asked me what that was. hahaha. ’nuff said. It was a great day.

I got home pissed at her, yet again. I am definitely going to take a leave of absence from the SAC, i need the time to recuperate and to rescue my academe. haha.

I FINALLY STARTED working on advanced bio, and i’m only in the first part… and I’m at 39 slides already… maaaan, talk about completely OC. :))

AND THEN i watched [H]OUSE, and re-realized how the songs they use in there are actually meaningful philosophical ballads… allow me to share some.

Walter Reed — Michael Penn

this song had something strong in it. conviction of being alone kinda scared me.

I count the cases piled up high
For the 1:15.
For platform and for passerby
It’s the same routine.
I’m ranting while I’m raving,
There’s nothing here worth saving.

Tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight.
Baby I’ve lost the will for fighting
Over everything.
Well there’s a few things I gotta say
And make no mistake, I’m mad…
‘Cause every good thing I’ve had
Abandoned me.

All I want to do is hide.
It’s graduation day
And everything I learned inside
Didn’t seem to pay.
I’ve had my fill of palm trees
And lighting up Grauman’s Chinese.

Tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight.
Baby I’ve lost the will for fighting
Over everything
And there’s a few things I gotta say.
Make no mistake, I’m mad.
‘Cause every good thing I had
Abandoned me.

A sad and lonesome me.

I’m the walking wounded
And I’d say it to your face
But I can’t find my place.

So tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight.
Baby I’ve lost the will for fighting
Over everything
And there’s a few things I gotta say.
Make no mistake, I’m mad
‘Cause every good thing I had
Abandoned me.

A sad and lonesome me.
A sad and lonesome me.
A sad and lonesome me.

God, Please Let Me Go Back — Josh Rouse

Waiting on my angel to come
I was waiting on my angel to come
I had nothing to lose but time

Little fella wanted to know
Little fella wanted to know
He said, “Boy, are you ready to die?”
I told him I would have to say no

In my life, I only wanted things to go right
Oh my god, look at all the mess I’ve caused
I want to go back again
Please let me go back again

Now I got to wait on my girl
How long I got to wait on that girl?
I bet she’s down there having fun

I never was a jealous guy
You know I never was a jealous guy
But I saw the way he looked at you
He always was a son of a bitch

In my life, I only wanted things to go right
Oh my god, look at all the mess I’ve caused
I want to go back again
Please let me go back again

High, high, high
On the loneliest cloud in the sky
Clean, clean, clean
Everything is so boring and clean

In my life, I only wanted things to go right
Oh my god, look at all the mess I’ve caused
I want to go back again
Please let me go back again

Are You Alright? – Lucinda Williams

this song is kind of universal…

Are you alright?
All the sudden you went away.
Are you alright?
I hope you come back around someday.
Are you alright?
I haven’t seen you in a real long time.
Are you alright?
Could you give me some kind of sign.
Are you alright?
I looked around me and you were gone.
Are you alright?
I feel like there must be something wrong.
Are you alright?
‘Cause it seems like you disappeared.
Are you alright?
‘Cause I been feeling a little scared.
Are you alright?

Chorus:
Are you sleeping through the night?
Do you have someone to hold you tight?
Do you have someone to hang out with?
Do you have someone to hug and kiss you,
Hug and kiss you,Hug and kiss you?
Are you alright?

Are you alright?
Is there something been bothering you?
Are you alright?
I wish you’d give me a little clue.
Are you alright?
Is there something you wanna say?
Are you alright?
Just tell me that you’re okay.
Are you alright?
‘Cause you took off without a word.
Are you alright?
You flew away like a little bird.
Are you alright?
Is there anything I can do?
Are you alright?
‘Cause I need to hear from you.
Are you alright?

Chorus

Are you alright?
Are you alright?
Hey…

See the World — Gomez

Day to day, where do you want to be?
Cause now you’re trying to pick a fight with everyone you need
You seem like a soldier
Whose lost his composure
You’re wounded and play a waiting game
In No-Man’s-Land no one’s to blame

See the world
Find an old-fashioned girl
And when all’s been said and done
The things that are given (not won) are the things that you want

Empty-handed surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance besides the shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke
You want out the bed broken
Asking me time and time again
And the answer’s still the same

See the world
Find an old-fashioned girl
And when all’s been said and done
The things that are given (not won) are the things that you want

Sha la la la la la (x8)

You have a chance to put things right, so how’s it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it’s not too far away
Don’t mess around now don’t delay

See the world
Find an old-fashioned girl
And when all’s been said and done
The things that are given (not won) are the things that you want

Sha la la la la la (x8)

The things that you want
Are given not won

Dear God — Sarah McLachlan

I don’t want to single out any line frome here. Everything seems to be rhetorical, and it kinda gets you thinking.

Dear God
Hope you got the letter and…
I pray you can make it better down here
I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image
See them starving on their feet
Cause they don’t get enough to eat
From God
I can’t believe in you
Dear God
Sorry to disturb you but…
I feel that I should be hear loud and clear
We all need a big reduction
In the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image
See them fighting in the street
Cause they can’t make opinions meet about God
I can’t believe in you
Did you make disease
and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind
after we made you?
And the devil too?
Dear God,
Don’t know if you noticed but…
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book
And as crazy humans wrote it
you should take a look
And all the people that you made in your image
Still believeing that junk is true
Well I know it ain’t and so do you, dear God
I can’t believe in
I don’t believe in
I won’t believe in heaven and hell
no saints no sinners no devil as well
no pearly gate no thorny crown
you’re always letting us humans down
the wars you bring
the babes you drown
those lost at sea and never found
and it’s all the same the whole world round
the hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
is just somebody’s unholy hoax
And if you’re up there you’d perceive
That my heart’s here upon my sleeve
If there’s one thing I don’t believe in…
It’s you, dear God.

Waiting on an Angel — Ben Harper

Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I dont want to go alone
I dont want to go alone

Now angel wont you come by me
Angel hear my plea
Take my hand lift me up
So that I can fly with thee
So that I can fly with thee

And Im waiting on an angel
And I know it wont be long
To find myself a resting place
In my angels arms
In my angels arms

So speak kind to a stranger
Cause youll never know
It just might be an angel come
Knockin at your door
Knockin at your door

And Im waiting on an angel
And I know it wont be long
To find myself a resting place
In my angels arms
In my angels arms

Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I dont want to go alone
I dont want to go alone
Dont want to go
I dont want to go alone

and laaast. this is from the movie, City of Angels

Arms of an Angel – Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There’s always some reason to feel “not good enoughâ€?
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference, escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

the message in really universal. it’s one’s sentiments toward the world, hopelessness and hope. the peace and the raging wars, the trtuh and the lies — we all seek comfort in something.

It’s more of an awakening than of a song.

IDK.

LOOONG day ahead, it’s already 1:06 AM at my watch…

Gbye, Gnight and GMorning. :)

I love this life. Ain’t nothing going to take it away from me. :)

i’ve lost faith in words.

words. sometimes, they make a difference. most of the time, i don’t believe they do. there are some times when things can never be understood. 

if you believe in something so much, then it’s bound to happen. i used to believe that. and its altogether useless. 

i don’t know and i don’t understand. i’m at a loss for words.

no one is worth trusting now. maybe that’s a reality. no one is worth sacrificing everything for, because it’ll just disappoint you.

i never think i want to understand.

i really dont know.

. life is a dead fairy tale .

“he reminds me of *******. He’s the type of person na if he starts to trust someone, unti-unti until he trusts that person fully.” – *_*

i didn’t sleep. thinking of this statement, returning to it all over again.

i never really understood… ever since saturday, I was all for being happy. I’ve conceded to how other people think, always considering into mind that i can never change people and their way of thinking, unless they themselves believe that they would change.

this whole week has been incredibly testing. and I’ve been pretty optimistic through the whole of it, until something kind of came out yesterday. i was in edu’s house and was the last to leave, and I didn’t know what to think after that… idk.

just this last bit. for a friendship to last, both friends should believe that it has the possibility to turn into a long-lasting friendship. friendship cannot live on one alone.

i don’t know.

i want to cry, but i know nothing will happen.

i’m tired of waiting and seeing something that he’ll never seem to grasp.