it’s a rhythmic repercussion.

PE volleyball time. i was just staring blankly across the court. ever since saturday. idk. i’ve been thinking blankly and more logically this time. and something came out like this: “it’s not that people don’t believe in what you can do; they just believe in what they, themselves can do more.” Haha. I didn’t get angry, in fact, I’m thankful for a new lesson. owell. :))

As if it was a wicked twist of fate — i failed math. :)) Passed Filipino (like 2 mistakes) and then kind of slipped in Physics. But over-all, it was a pretty good day. I NEVER WANT TO BE ABSENT EVER AGAIN. :))

In the afternoon, my mom just had to ruin everything with her recurring speech about life and me being not functional and the like. Mom. I think i get it, and I hate it if it keeps repeating. She’s always so sure of herself, and so sure about her accusations that she never gets to look at the deeper side of things. owell. that’s that.

I’m generally happy with today, although something felt wrong, you know, the feeling that things appear alright but then, deeper than that, something’s wrong. I don’t think i can handle that.

The hope burns brighter by the appearance of night. Reality sinks deeper by the break of dawn.

Hope for the best. and hope that the world does too for you.

:)

if you live enough. you’re ready to live twice.

saturday was life-changing.

my views on things changed. my appreciation for people was heightened.

you find importance in making someone else smile. you find that some things you never appreciated before seem to be so much more to be a part of you.

right after LSS (life in the spirit seminar); btw, there are 4 basic truths.

1) God Loves US

2) Man is SINFUL.

3) Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins.

4) WE must accept Jesus as our personal Lord and Saviour.

… i felt the sudden urge to apologize to Cyrus. I mean, i’ve been at it the whole week. I’ve been thinking of all the hurt that he’d given me that I overlooked all the hurt i’ve done to him. Sometimes. It’s all better to just lose yourself in your feelings, but you HAVE to know when to pull back.

the apology i wrote was long. and i would never forget it. i hated to do it on a text message, but i felt that much important to me that he knows about it immediately.

we’re all fools, in our way. we’ve grown into a world where most of the time, all we think about is ourselves. but in maturing, and in growing, we start to realize that everything doesnt revolve on ourselves and what we do for other people, but it revolves between what other people had done for you and how much you love them blankly, without asking for anything in return.

currently, i’m a little bit sick… i’ve been crying the whole weekend up until today. i felt so dead, i knew i wanted to change, but how do i open up others to it? I love my friends, a lot. I wanted them to know that whatever hurt or pain i’ve caused, i want to be liable for it, and i want to change it…

You know what.

I dont know.

It’s been rough. but you know, you get to learn about yourself more through these days.

Im maturing.

I dont like to.

but its helping.

Cyrus Viktor Gonzales Zalamea (still, I’m sorry). Benjamin Joshua ARCADIA (now i know! :))) Mariñas & Eduardo Jesus Fargas Gaspar. You people. I’m sorry for everything i might’ve done, and i want to change it, i swear i want to. Without you guys, i’m nothing but someone who just has the intent to keep on living. surviving, without any purpose.

Thanks.

:)

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Outside Typical

i submitted this to my editor for insights.

i tried to be as optimistic and happy as possible.

the mood aggravated the writing. sorry miguel!

Outside typical

By nomad

 

Our lives lead subtle beginnings

We hold our breath as we venture into the world

The moments we spend and the steps we take

The decision’s ours; our life is what we make

 

Traversing road that lead to uncertain destinations

We never know what lies ahead of us

And yet we continue to venture into the unknown

Clashing with the verses of what comes across us

 

We try to find what we seek in what others have to offer

Our friends become the refuge of our anxious search

We blind ourselves with the preferences we have

Immediately you’ve been lost to that of another

 

Your principles dictate that equality be gratified

And yet you never followed this

Your words made no perfect sense

You’re no longer believed, all you say is a lie

 

There is only but one way, a hope you might say

That someday, along that traversed road

You’d realize the wrongs you have sowed

And when that day comes, when you’ve finally seen

You’d come to appreciate How it is to have lived

this poem made me think.

im so distressed right now.

i sometimes just want to drop everything down.

wow.

life is trying me.

in all possible aspects.

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A Lyric Void

Mark Twain said that the good will always be lonely.

i’d never appreciated how he made his remarks. it’s only now that i realize that his witty comments and ideas may be true after all.

it takes a deeper understanding of things for one person to mature, and looking negatively at everything seems to force you to mature even faster. The lesser options you have, the more drastic the changes of your decisions will make — hence, making maturity faster.

i have no idea what’s coming into my mind right now. I was happy with my day, but I kind of got used to the dreary emotion. I always feel so tired the minute i get on the car back home. I was texting benj all the way home, discussing whatnots and stuff. (and Happy Birthday to his Dad, btw) 

i dont know, why i feel so tired. Everything seems okay, my apathy has grown back to its usual state. Work has made my feelings of grief dissipate into stress. I only seldom undergo anxiety attacks nowadays, and i’d already cut down on my meds. 

im practically feeling better. 

this for me is better.

i have to appreciate things more. i have to cut down on my certain priorities. i must BELIEVE that all of this is for the better. it’s a choice i have to take so i won’t always be drowned in false assumptions, failed expectations and all that bullcrap.

life has been good to me. it’s only me who beats the hell out of it.

and.

uh.

i wanna share this…

 

 

 

I never understood what you meant by saying that.

You were the type of person that never said a word.

No one knew the war raging inside of you.

You never spoke of how you felt.

 

I’d laugh and smile, only to give you reprieve for a while.

You never knew how it hurt, to care for you that much,

I could not do anything more,

You kept me from you.

 

It came to a point where my care turned into frustration.

My mistake was to have cared too much.

My fault was that I was always there for you.

And you never appreciated what I have been doing for you.

 

I kept it from you,

I assumed that everything was just not at its time.

But you what you never realized,

You started replacing me with someone else.

 

The moments of smiles turned into days of a single word.

Weeks of a single conversation waned into months without communication.

We’re drifting apart, how come you don’t know?

Maybe you never cared as much as I could.

 

Too many times, i’ve worn a mask

To shield your eyes from the tears of my grief.

I pursed my lips, to stop the words.

I kept my emotions shut, my apathy was for you.

 

I never understood, and would probably never understand.

How come I’m still ready to give my all for you.

Only one thing is forever certain,

No matter how much it hurts me so,

I’ll always still be here.

For you.

 

 

“sympathetic apathy”

-nomadkings

idk.

i feel so numb and tired.

and yet, i still feel so happy with where we are today.

i hope it becomes a better day tomorrow.

i must hope that it would.

[ , , , ]

ACP thursday, number 2.

this day. has got to be one of the most trying days of my life.

but let’s start from the beginning.

i was half-awake by around 5:00 AM. The ACP handout was still clutched in my hand, the laptop, open right in front of me, my legs were cramping because of the cold. Books scattered everywhere, pieces of paper lay everywhere — this is the life of an unorganized nerd who’s part of those who keep the school running.

Hundreds of mental post-its reiterated itself as I tried to wake myself up. The names of ACP officers kept fluttering into my head. The filipino quiz, english quiz and physics quiz were not studied for.

ACP was numero uno on my priority list. Acads just trailed behind my increasing number of extra-curricular work. I was turning into a worker from a nerd day by day. This is not all good.

GOOD THING, i was able to go to school early. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GILBERT.

Math was first period. and my brain went sabaw.

English was second period. I am a lean mean grammar machine. I love it so much that I dont have to study for it, and then epically fail it. hahaha!

CLE, 3rd period. MY VALUE LIST (ahem. ahem. Ben, i hope you were listening)

Physics was super un-fun today. THAT QUIZ was KILLER. O M G. 

FIlipino, hahahaha. The quiz was soooooo fun. I got 4 mistakes, and did NOT study at all.

The Two HOURS of ACP — my legs were killing me with the squats, the take a rest and the mountaineering. I didnt even feel the pain of the push-ups anymore. TOTALLY life-changing. it made me so much more aware of how unfit I am, and I almost died.

Got home, at about 10:30, my parents started making sermon. For 1:45 hours. My gahd, cyrus and benj were offline na, and i knew they were waiting for my go signal for tomorrow.

IDK. its 1:50 a.m.

Still have lots to do.

SHIT.

life is a douche

 

third wednesday of Seniority

i can never really stress how much stress there is in your senior life.

Everyday is a day that you have to be prepared for.

This morning, like any other day, was hectic. I dropped my bags almost immediately on the floor, and proceeded to work for SAC.

Math was bittersweet, as we progressed into geometric sequences.

CLE was fruitful, and I have Ed to thank for for my rosary. If I had one million pesos… now that i think of it, i’d actually distribute it as follows: 1) Give 100k to a certain someone [and this person is?], 2) Give 100k apiece for my family members [they're three], 3) Set aside 100k for works of mercy and charity. 4) Store 400k for my microscopic college fund. 5) Spend 100k on what i want to indulge in.

And amanda shared her version of the bucket list, something i would most probably do too when I have the time.

the day went by with whatnotever.

fil, eng, phy quizzes tomorrow, and ACP.

Eco was awesome. It’s like the first quiz im sure to get a high score in. Physics was FUN, as usual, Sir Padlan would rock our period — im such a terrible newtonian, i got 3 mistakes in that SW — but anyway… haha. Quiz tomorrow, and i know im so dead.

Lunch — club mode;  m

 

One Week and Five Days into Vacation Royale.

airport. god. i couldn’t take my hands off of my phone. it was hectic. so many people to say goodbye too… all those people know who they are, and of course, I saved the best for last (any guesses who?) >:)

anyway, the 13 hour flight to LA was restless… my nocturnal nature kept me awake for most of the flight, with five cans of ginger ale beside me, an iPod with 3/4 battery capacity… didn’t i mention that we flew business class? hahah. and i wasn’t comfortable — maybe I should try for first next time?

Anyway, on landing, I got out my phone and tried to contact Cyrus, haha. and it worked (only to regret everything in the end. my phone bill went up to… [only cyrus knows how much my bill costs. and its a whole lot]

the AIR was COOL. it was COLD. hahaha. i could swear that I was jumping up and down on the tarmac. immigration wasn’t hectic, and we were out at about 30 minutes after we landed.

on the out, my uncle was there to greet us, and we exchanged greetings and we went on board to get to his house, our primary lodging for our stay here.

the next day, my uncle drove us to this walking mall strip, about a mile and a half from his place with my mom and sister. we ate, and then went shopping — i didnt spend ANYTHING. hahah. then we WALKED that same DISTANCE back to his house. i’ve done that for THREE times now, and i’m quite happy about it.

the first weekend, we went to a mall and I shopped in H&M, found these awesome pair of shorts — in fact, they were so awesome that i bought two — each with a different color, and this shirt. The shorts were 40 bucks apiece and then the shirt was fifteen. Add the 8.25% tax to that total, and my bill came up to $104.75 cents, i think. hahaha. DAMN.

the next day, we went to church to attend the first holy communion of my uncle’s friend’s daughter. :) then went to the Commons in Calabasas where i found BARNES and NOBLE (i missed this) and this personal care store — again, I spent a LOT here. hahaha!

on the thursday after, we went to universal studios and enjoyed like hell there. (i got an annual pass — so i can come back within the year) i really wish i could be there with him and some of our friends. it was SO fracka cool. The Jurassic water ride, the mummy returns roller coaster (seriously, it was scary), the studio tour (johnny depp!) and all the fun stuff there… i seriously was living on the high road (if i wasn’t already living in it… hahah!) and then went back to the Hilton to prep for watching Wicked in LA… (coat and tie in the US — i didn’t look like me at all) anyway, there was this brief interlude, and I was bored so I decided to call up cyrus, since he was with some friends and i really needed a social thorzine drip. the rest of the night went blank… only that I enjoyed it a lot.

on saturday, we went to las vegas which was about a 4-hour drive from LA, stopping by the outlet mall here — i bought Banana Republic perfumes, which made me happy. :)

arriving in my uncle’s condo in sin city was a breather… we then ate in a Filipino fastfood resto — where the food was jsut like HEAVEN. hahahah! :)

we worked the next day. (i’ll not insert the details here) and then walked to Sahara & Stratosphere to inquire about our hotel bookings for the week after (we’re coming back) with my dad and Buchay.

come monday, today… we’re prepping up to leave and to impress my uncle’s broker, who would be renting the place out… and we’re set to leave in about an hour. im just not really sure.

i’ve got tons of photos and a whole ledger of stories. i wanna share it with him and her and her. :)

tomorrow, we’ll be on our way to Vallejo, and then San Francisco until the Friday. (it’ll be fun, i think.) and then on the weekend, we’ll either go to Malibu, Santa Barbara or Santa Monica. or idk. then Camarillo (outlet) by sunday. Monday I think, will be dinner with som of mom’s friends… Then we go to the Disneyland Hilton by tuesday, then disneyland hotel wednesday — we’ll be taking the two-day pass to disneyland and califoria ewan-land. haha :) cool cool cool.

thursday, my dad and Buchay arrives here, and then the next day, we’ll be bound for Las Vegas again. i dont know the details, but we’d be back by monday.

Tuesday, we leave for Toronto — im not sure about our itinerary, only thing i know is that my Aunt assured me that it would be better and more fun there than here (if that’s even possible) i guess we’ll wait and see… (i guess, since my cousins are a bit older than me, and then we’d go out and bar-hop or something, or whatever. hahaha — no PARENTS allowed. that’s the beauty of it.)

Oh well, i come back to Manila on the 31st of May, and i wanna go out on the 2nd of June. I hope all plans fall in place…

Oh well, long entry — i miss a lot of people back home, three of them come into mind everyday, and I hope you know who you three people are.

Alright. I’d go.

Rastine Mercado–out. :)